Yesterday I wrote of cooking for one. While it is true I have thought of this and everything I wrote about it is accurate, it is not what I meant to write. I was angry yesterday. I have always said sleep on it when I am angry, as anything said in anger might be regretted. So rather than write about my anger I wrote fluff, something not really of importance to my moving forward. Today I will try to write of my anger and other emotions I felt yesterday.
I was trying to get ready to walk out the door, while still caring for my ailing pet when a counselor from Hospice called. They called one week after my husband died, then 3 months later, this was my next 3 month call. The man is very nice that calls. It seems he understands a lot of what I am going through. He also seems to feel as I do, that the printed papers I get from Hospice do not apply to me, most if not all of the time. While normally I would not mind talking to him, it had taken most of my courage to just get ready to walk out the door. On top of that my pet seemed so ill and was looking at me as if I should stay. I needed to go to the post office so putting it off another day was not possible. I was just about to walk out the door feeling guilt about leaving my pet when he called. So I was angry.
I know I could have been rude or told him I was busy, instead I felt obligated to talk to him. I told him of my pets impending death and how everything about the way he was dying was similar to what my husband went through. The lost weight, the weakening, the unwillingness to eat and having to try to use an oral IV to give him some food. These are all things that I went through with my husband. He told me most people tell him that smells remind them of the person they loved who has died. He told me he found it to be more images of the person dying that brought the sadness. He also told me of his pet who died last spring and how he had gone through a lot of what I was going through, how hard it was for him and his wife, that they still were sad almost a year later. This man understood. I know many do not. They feel as if a pet can be replaced and will be forgotten, but that is not so. I remember every pet I have had, as well as how they lived and died. Having someone understand how I feel helps, as there are only a few in my life that understand how losing my pet can be upsetting and I have not really talked in-depth to them. In talking with him, it brought comfort but it also brought up other emotions.
The biggest emotion yesterday was anger. When my husband and I were told he needed to go to a Hospice Home, we both knew it meant he was dying, though we also felt he beat the odds and had lived before there was still optimism by my husband and myself that he would beat the odds again. That optimism faded when we got to the Hospice Home. Once my husband was admitted to the Hospice Home, he was taken off all the medications that kept him alive. The only medications he was given were an antibiotic so MRSA would not return and endanger others, as well as tranquilizers and pain medications. There was also a lidoderm patch that they were not going to give him due to expense and they did not have it. I brought 2 boxes in for them to put them on as they offered some relief. By taking him off of his medications, this probably made his death come sooner. This is where the anger comes in. I am not angry with Hospice and to some extent it is not true anger, but it is with myself. Had I known his medications would be stopped I may have brought him home and he may have lived a week or two longer. There are moments when I think of him asking me if he were dying and that he did not want to die. He knew when he went to Hospice that he was going there to die, I am sure he must have felt afraid, wanted reassurance. I never lied to my husband and did not lie when he asked if he were dying. I did not tell him he was dying though. He had stopped eating. I told him that if he did not start eating he would die. It was not a lie, it was just not telling the whole truth. A truth I, myself could not accept.
Then I think of having him if he had died in the house. That would not have been easy to deal with either. I also think of how well Hospice treated my husband. Treatment that though I tried my hardest I could not give that level of care. Wounds he had that he was seeing a would specialist for, healed in 2 or 3 days due to their constant care. They made sure if any pain was shown he was immediately given something. The same with the panic and fear he was feeling, they gave him tranquilizers before he could even ask when they noticed how he appeared. So though there is this sense of anger, there is also this sense on thanks for caring for him so well.
But it was not just anger. There were many emotions that sprung into my mind. Sadness that my husband is gone forever and that my pet is dying soon. Sadness that the life I knew is now gone. Anger that I have to start a new life. Maybe it is not anger, if might just be uncertainty or some other emotion, but for now I will call it anger, it is not something I want to do. It is something I have to do. Irritation that though this man, the counselor is nice, I have to talk with him every 3 months. To be honest I could tell him not to call and he would not, but I know I need a little help even if I do not want it. Sadness that this counselor is correct in saying it is images that bring the most sadness. With every little thing, such as last night every time I tried to turn the lights off my pet cried, though my husband did not cry, he did not want the lights off at night. Each image with my pet or any image alone can cause this sadness. It is an overwhelming sadness. A feeling of despair. That there is no hope of a normal life.That in some ways there will never be a life, just an existence. Being a realist I know there is life ahead, but at moments of insecurity the realist seems to hide and the fear and emotions take over.
There were so many emotions yesterday that I cannot even begin to cover them all. I must say most of the feelings are still present. I also must say I feel no guilt over anything that happened. Though there is anger, it is not true anger. It is most likely an emotion I do not have a name for. I know I will deal with many emotions, not just now but most likely for the rest of my life. I know many will be sad. I also know that though sadness sometimes never leaves, happiness and sadness can live together. That though I am sad I will still experience happiness. That the happiness will most likely outweigh the sadness. But for now, I am angry.