I am trying to find out where to go with my life now that my husband has died. If anyone has read my prior posts, there is one constant, my husband. He is no longer a constant in my life, only in my thoughts and memories. I know my life will eventually move forward without him. I also know his impact on my life will be forever present. That though he has died and is no longer in my sight, he will always be beside me in my mind and heart as I go on with life.
My difficulty lies in going forward. I am trying to work through my past to find my present which will lead to my future. Going on with life is the tricky part for me. One would assume just moving forward would be easy and for some it might be. For me it is not. I want to revisit my past to see what I liked and what I did not. I want to move forward with the knowledge I have looked into my past and changed what I could and live with what remains. Once again this may sound easy, but for me it is a work in progress.
I have lived a full life. It is not over, nor am I aware of any illness that would have it be almost over. In my life I have chosen to go with the flow, take things as they come, not judging myself or others, do things that I would not look back on and be sorry for doing or not doing. I joke that I not only march to the beat of a different drummer, I have a whole orchestra in my head that is different. Those who know me would probably agree. I do not know if it were my idea to live this way or I was just wired to live like this. I only know that in many ways I am different from others, yet when I look around others are more similar than I think at times. By that I mean we are all struggling with something. Even the happiest people that we assume have everything, struggle with something. So I am struggling to find out who I am now. Not who I was, I know that. In order for me to get to where I want and need to be, I must look back to my past to see what I carry to the present if I have a choice. At the end of the day, all this struggling with the past may lead to nothing. I may still be stuck, afraid to walk out the door. I am trying to think positive, that if I do the work of looking into my past I can move forward. Choose who I will be and what I will do. I am also a realist, knowing that the future is ahead and if I do nothing I will not have lived in the present, just existed until I arrive still simply just existing in the future. I choose to live, not simply exist.
An example would be I worked for a very important real estate developer for many years. I also worked for a very large world bank. I can list many jobs. In the past few years before my husband became ill, I worked with a Temp. Agency. I was asked often why, as I had a very good resume of work to choose from. My answer was always “I do not know what I want to be when I grow up”. I did not want to go into a job to find out I did not like it. Since I have experience in many different job areas now, I know what I do not want to do in the future. I also do not know what I want in a future job. I do know to me a job is just a way to make money to exist, I have never wanted a career as many I know do. I think in some ways that opens my future up a little more, as I am not looking to find a career, just a job. But the job is only part of life.
That was an example why I am revisiting my past and how I do not know what I want in my future. Getting a job is only a small part of what will lead to the future. While the job will provide income, more importantly it will most likely require interaction with other people. That is something I know I need. I am unsure if I am ready for dealing with other people, but have to start before I become completely isolated in my own world. There are many past memories that need to be addressed still. Some will be happy while others may be painful. When I am done examining my past, I will tackle the present and look towards the future. I want to know what I want. Whether I am able to achieve it is another story for another day.