Days, Daze and Mirrors

I did not accomplish much if anything today. It is just one more day that has gone by in a daze. Or maybe it should be haze. I am not sure. I had planned on going out and had a list of a few things I wanted to accomplish. I did not go out or accomplish anything that was planned. While today I had an excuse to seem to walk around in a daze, most days it is just my panic or fear of panic that stops me from accomplishing anything.

I have started sleeping on the couch for part of the night. One of the reasons is I cannot fall asleep in bed, but am able to on the couch. The other reason is my pet that is dying becomes upset when I leave the room. He starts crying and knocking things over. Knocking things over is not new to him, he only does this if I am in another room and wants or needs attention. He knows the sounds he makes will bring me back to the living room. I know his time left is limited so I start my night of sleep on the couch. The couch is not comfortable so I normally wake up and move to my bedroom and bed to get more sleep. My pet normally is happy I spent part of the night in the same room and rarely makes sounds of complaint when he hears me get up to move to the bedroom.

Today when I woke in my bed I really did not feel like getting up. This is not new. Many days I will lay there for hours before finally getting up and taking a shower. I normally get out of bed when I wake and go to the kitchen to get my pet a snack before returning to bed. This morning I walked over to wear he was sleeping and he looked like he had died. I have been dreading this. But after minutes of staring at him to see if he were breathing he opened his eyes and saw me. He jumped, surprised that I was there. Then he went to move. His back legs were dragging, he was having a hard time walking. I have seen this many times before with pets when they were minutes to hours, though sometimes a day or two away for death. I went to the kitchen and got one of his favorite snacks, went back to where he was, he did not take the snack. This seemed like another sign he was close to death. I wondered if I should just pick him up and hold him until his last breath or if I had time to take a shower and then return to pick him up.

I decided to shower first. When I returned to the living room he was in the same place and same position. He looked at me sadly but with his nose pointed towards the kitchen. I got him another treat. This time he ate it. I tried to pick him up, but he moved away from me, he was not ready to be held. I sat on the couch in a daze. I wondered how long he had left. I thought of my husband and his death. I sat and stared at the TV without seeing it. Eventually my pet wanted to be held. I gave him his IV’s for pain. I brought him to the front door, he looked outside longingly, as though he wanted to be outside, young again. It was cold today so I did not want to bring him outdoors. After a few moments he looked at the couch. So I sat back down holding him. He has lost even more weight and is very bony. When I first sat down, his eyes looked tired as though he had lived hundreds of years and was weary. He was also making crying sounds. As the medicine kicked in the crying stopped.  After a few minutes he became active again. So active I was afraid I would drop him so I put him back down. Where he got comfortable and stared up at me.

For the rest of the day and even now as I type this he is looking at me. He gets up and eats a little, but not enough to sustain life. I have to be careful what I give him as the wrong thing could kill him. Of all the foods I have here for him, he likes only a few. He likes more of what I have but it has become hard for him to eat them. It does not seem to be his teeth that stop him from eating them. Rather it appears as though he has either gotten tired of them and no longer wants them or he is having a hard time swallowing them. My plans to go out were put on the back-burner as I wanted to be here for him.being

As I mentioned earlier, today I had a valid excuse not to go out. I know some would have gone out if their pet were dying, but that is not who I am. I am not passing judgement on those who go about their daily routine with a pet dying. If I had somewhere I had to be, I would have had to go out and leave him alone. But I had nowhere that I had to go today that could not be put off until tomorrow or when the time is right. Though I had a valid excuse it does not stop me from feeling as though one more day has gone by in my life and I have not lived it. Days go by, one after another, with each one I find a way not to live my life. Am I just in a daze because of all that has happened and all that is happening are too much for me to handle? Or am I just making excuses to get out of living my life? When I am ready to look in the mirror I hope today does not reflect an excuse, rather a good cause for not going out. Now as the end of the day is arriving I only know that I have spent another day in a daze. I do not want the rest of my life living in a daze. I do forgive myself for today, as my pet should be given respect as death approaches. Forgiving myself for today is a start. Now I just have to deal with my pet as he dies and hopefully start to live my life again afterwards. In days, not daze.