Glancing at Mirrors

I glance in the mirror. I look tired and sad. A little make-up will fix that. Apply a little make-up. Another glance. I look better, but not quite good. I apply a little more make-up. Another glance. Now I look like I have a ton of make-up on. Start to try to take some off, look a little better, will have to do, as I am tired of glancing in mirror. I wonder what I look like to others. Do I look tired? Do I look sad? Do I look normal? Does anyone realize that I am crying on the inside at times? Everyone seems to think I look good, normal, happy, even younger. I guess the make-up helps to fool them or maybe they are just telling me I look good.

My eyes are what everyone notices when they see me. I have pretty eyes. With make-up they stand out, the rest of my face is not as noticeable as people are always drawn to my eyes. With tinted contacts in they become even more outstanding. Since I was a child I have been complimented on my eyes. Sometimes when meeting someone new and they are talking with me, they suddenly look up and notice my eyes, they stop talking for a moment, then compliment me on my eyes before resuming what they were saying. I have always looked people directly in the eyes, for me, the eyes are the window to who is inside, not the soul, the person. I have seen people’s joy, sadness, happiness, illness, pain and struggling, all through their eyes. Some find it uncomfortable when they realize I am staring into their eyes, others (mostly men) take it the wrong way, as though I am interested in them. But it is the way I communicate, looking into someone’s eyes. I wonder why no one notices the sadness in my eyes, but I know why, they are glancing at my eyes, not really looking.

I know how I feel, not look. I feel tired, sad and as if I have aged a million years in 3 years. There is only one person who would tell me the truth of how I look. That person is my husband. He died. In July. He had been ill for two and a half years before dying. He is the reason I feel these things. As for glancing in the mirror, it is something I am accustomed to, I rarely look into the mirror. If I look into the mirror then I have to look into my eyes and I might not be ready to see what is inside.